you missed the memo...

New journal over at northern__girl

I'm getting married July 5th. in Vegas. well, at Red Rocks Canyon near vegas!!!

I'm happier than i ever thought possible.

wow its been a long time...
sorry guys, i've just been... busy i guess...
first i went up to Canaan with kevin to visit his dad, then there was the whole graduation and all the celebrations and parties, and then setting up house (we moved into a little house out in Eden Mills - quite out there in the Great North, though not nearly as bad as Canaan) and now finally going to the working world.
today is my first day as a fulltime employee of Copley Hospital. i work 9:30 to 6, which is nice because it means i dont have to get up early in the morning but i hate being here late when no one is around and i know my sweetie is at home waiting for me.
it was so nice yesterday, we went into burlington to get some stuff for the house, an answering machine, a blender, knives, new toilet seat stuff like that. then we went to see Star Wars Episode III at the drive in. it was so nice. i just love spending time with kevin.
i love the place too - it used to be kevins grandmothers, but we're slowly making it ours. we painted the bedroom a darkblue with green trim, and we're going to paint a bureau to match soon. i bought us a used couch and loveseat, kevin is working on fixing up the bathroom and kitchen... it's so nice, but its like the work is never done!! eventually though, i know it will all pay off.
I love love love being a little "housewife." the other day i took a nap, then cleaned while i watched a movie and then worked on cleaning out the kitchen for a while and eventually i made us a whole dinner - oven roasted potatoes (we didnt have oil like i was sure we did so i improvised - using emeril's lemon and garlic marinade) and shake and bake chicken and corn on the cob, with ben and jerry's ice cream for desert. we ate together at the kitchen table, and i had candles and everything. it was perfect.
i'm sorry i hvant written in so long, and it may be sporratic for a while, we're supposed to be getting internet at the house eventually but i haveto get my computer changed over from high-speed to dial-up (ick) and stuff...

but just know...

i have never in my life been happier thani have been these last few weeks. life is finally getting good.


oh and my new journal!! hopefully i'll get a bnanner and stuff together soon, but its northern__girl so add me!!!

Current Mood: ecstatic

i know I'm probably being a big baby about this, but all i want right now is for Kevin to hold me and tell me it will be okay. and i cant get in touch with him. he's probably out fishing or something. but i need him. and not being able to find him is only making it worse.

sometimes i feel like my life has been this carefully planned out, delicately assembled house of cards. and every year i add another addition on to it. and now even the slightest wind, a heavy breath, could blow it down and ruin everything i have.

i feel like i am about to fall apart, to be outed, that everyone will realize I'm not nearly as good as they think i am.

i just sat through this "planning your future" meeting and all i could think was "do i even have a future?" and then at 4 i have to go to a finance meeting, and then at 6 another "planning your future" meeting. and I'm so depressed from just this first one that i don't know how i am ever going to manage the others.

i just don't feel like i have the energy any more.

and i really HATE how at every turn I'm told i cant have what i want and be successful. that i either have to completely put my life on hold  and focus on building a name and a career for myself or i can have the life i want a shitty job. no one, not ever, not even once, has said to me "Abby, it's okay, you can have a child and a family and still go to grad school." just once it would be nice to hear. but i guess even if they said it, it would be a lie.

I'm so depressed all i can do is sleep. it's not one of those "look at me I'm going to cut myself because life is hard and i don't like it" depressions. this is definitley a "leave me alone to sit in my room and cry and try to escape life by sleeping all the time and doing nothing" depression.

i guess you could call it burn out. or senioritis. but i just feel so completely... tired and worthless.


i have so much more to say, but not the energy or the time to do it.

aww well i saw mightypurple's away message and it reminded me how fitting this song is for me today...

i just feel lik ei'm in such a funk. i want to go home and curl up in bed and watch VH1 all night.


Talking to myself and feeling old

Sometimes I’d like to quit

Nothing ever seems to fit

Hangin’ around, nothing to do but frown

Rainy days and mondays always get me down


What I’ve got they used to call the blues

Nothing is really wrong

Feeling like I don’t belong

Walking around some kind of lonely clown

Rainy days and mondays always get me down


Funny but it seems I always wind up here with you

It’s nice to know somebody loves me

Funny but it seems that it’s the only thing to do

To run and find the one who loves me


(*) what I feel is come and gone before

No need to talk it out

We know what it’s all about

Hanging around, nothing to do but frown

Rainy days and mondays always get me down


Funny but it seems that it’s the only thing to do

Run and find the one who loves me


Repeat (*)


Hangin around, nothing do to but frown

Rainy days and mondays always get me down

i'm really getting frustrated with certain people in my life and the fact that i feel like i alwyas have to justify my every move to them. it's fine to be in my life and disagree with me, to want different things than me, to even think i am making the wrong decisions. thats what makes people people. but the problem comes when these people make me feel like shit for my decisions, look down on me because they dont agree with me or make me feel like i have to justify living my life th way i want to live it.

maybe im just in a pissy mood, but this is really driving me crazy and i'm gonna start screaming at people soon.

I've made a decision, and one that's semi-important for YOU
so here's the deal...

i'de been thinking for a while about the whole live journal thing, i had debated changing names in the past, but never really went with it. but this time, I'm going to do it. the timing just seems right - this journal has been invaluable and wonderful for me over the last four years of my life, it's been such a part of that chapter of my life, i cant imagine my life without it. but that chapter of my life is ending in 28 days. and so is this journal.
starting after graduation, i will have a new journey for reflecting on the next chapter of my life. i haunt decided yet how i am going to deal with the new journal - just adding people, making an announcement, whatever. ill figure that out later.
but for now, i just wanted to let everyone know. I'll keep updating this one till graduation. and i may start updating over at the other one in the meantime, too.

(friends only banner made by __thatshot__)


comment and i'll more than likely add you!

Current Mood: content